We tried for so long to get pregnant. We went through fertility treatment. The second IVF procedure was a success and we were beyond excited to finally become parents.
I was a teacher for twelve years. I nannied two sets of twins and babysat my sister's twins as well. I was ready. One kid had to be a piece of cake. While I nested I organized and redecorated the entire house. The nursery was ready. The clothes were washed, folded, and put away. Freezer meals were made. I was all ready. We didn't ask for any help. In fact we asked that our family and friends allow us to bond as a family for the first week at home. I didn't believe people when they talked about the sleep deprivation with a newborn.
I went into labor. The day we waited so long for finally arrived. We planned to attempt a natural birth. I labored and labored and labored. Things didn't progress as planned. I was wheeled in the OR for a c-section. Camille was born.
We were definitely thrilled to meet her! She was the most beautiful baby we had even seen. But I was pumped full of drugs and couldn't stay awake. We were both sleep deprived. I was on pain killers for most of my hospital stay so I could not wake up. I was disappointed that I didn't get to experience the natural birth I wished to have.
We were discharged. Tim took care of both of us while I recovered. I breastfed or pumped or syringe fed her around the clock. It was never ending. We were beyond sleep deprived and had no energy.
I cried a lot. We knew to look for signs of Post Partum Depression because I already had a history of anxiety. However, I assumed I had the Baby Blues that can occur during the first three to four weeks post partum. I tried to put on a happy face for visitors.
I was so confused because I didn't immediately bond with Camille. I felt guilty because of this. I was confused because everyone on Facebook looked so happy with their children. I thought parenthood was supposed to be blissful and full of peaches and cream and I just wasn't feeling this way.
When week five arrived and I was still feeling foggy, tired, out of it, sad, and had no energy to parent, I knew this was not the Baby Blues. I was in a deep, dark, scary place that I had never visited. It felt like I would never climb out of it. I also had intrusive (or scary) thoughts which were the worst things I have ever experienced. (I'm more than willing to discuss these thoughts in a private message if you're worried or wondering if you're experiencing the same thing or if you're just curious.) I had to get help and get help fast so I called my psychiatrist and made an appointment.
The appointment couldn't come fast enough. I wanted to feel better so badly. However, I was also terrified to go the appointment because I just knew that my doctor was going to take Camille away from us forever because of the thoughts I was having. I couldn't believe he said, "This is so normal!" I needed to hear that over and over and over again. Hearing that intrusive thoughts were normal and getting a few prescriptions helped me to feel so much better pretty quickly.
It took a few weeks for the medicine to really start working but the intrusive thoughts went away and I felt a lot better. I was still tired and felt like I was in a fog but things got a lot better. I also tried to take advice and sleep when Camille slept during the day and that also helped. I didn't understand how much the lack of sleep could affect things.
I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression (PPD). Depression for me was unexpected. I had never experienced it and I truly never understood people when they talked about being depressed. I finally understood. Depression is such a real thing.
I am not writing this as a 'Woe is Me' post. I am writing this because I hope to reach at least one person who is suffering with PPD. I hope to tell you that you can and will get better. It takes time but you will get better.
If you have been diagnosed with depression, you should not feel ashamed. If you think you are suffering from depression, please seek treatment. Your family doctor, psychiatrists, and therapists are a great place to start. Another wonderful resource is Postpartum Progress!
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